She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
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