I think im going to throw up on grandma
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
