dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
