I wanna bring you to show and tell
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
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