new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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