I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
