I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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