So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
