You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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