I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
