I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
