dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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