Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
