Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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