I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
