Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
