He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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