I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
