your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
