I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
