I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
