Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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