You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
