I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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