Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
