In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
