if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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