You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Randomize
