I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
