Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
