i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
