Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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