So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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