i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
