this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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