i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
