If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Randomize
