Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
