from now on my penis is your penis
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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