I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
