tell your sister to shave her snatch
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
