you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
