Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
