I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
