but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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