after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
