I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
