Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
