She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
