He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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