can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
