so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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